Tuesday, July 19, 2016

My depression is ugly

There seems to be this picture of what depression looks like
And it's a woman staring out her car window with tears in her eyes
Or a man hunched over with his long bangs covering his eyes
My depression doesn't look like this, my depression is ugly

Sometimes my depression looks like not leaving the house for days
Staying the same pajamas that smell like failure and despair
My sheets soaked in sweat from nightmares and night sweats
Only leaving my bed for the kitchen and binging on everything in sight.

Sometimes my depression looks like un-brushed teeth
And uncombed hair that looks like a mop on the top of my head
Three day old mascara running down my face and
Sleeping outside because I don't have the physical energy to get home

Sometimes my depression looks like my parents crying
Because they love and care but there's nothing they can do
Dreading my birthday because I thought I'd be dead
Holidays ruined by a bursting pipe from puking up Christmas dinner

Sometimes my depression looks like blood stained towels
And infected bug bites from the consistent picking
Passing out in a pile of vomit in a public bathroom
Doctors and locked units because this time I went too far

My depression never was, and never will be beautiful
Or something you can kiss away
Stop glamorizing the girl crying 
At the back of the lecture hall

Stop thinking you're going to be the one
Who's going to be the savoir
And instead make sure that you know
Exactly what you're getting into. 

1 comment:

  1. This is beautifully written and utterly heartbreaking. I wish I had some words to comfort you.

    Sending love and hugs <3