Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Faking perfection

It's the year of leggings and oversized sweaters, showing off a thigh gap without revealing scars. The year of expensive foundation hiding the dark circles under my eyes.

The year of three coffees to wake up and two sleeping pills to fall asleep. 

The year of studying on a stationary bike in order to never be still.

I'm twenty now and my life is on it's way and I don't have time to be ill. I'm sick of being sick and tired of being tired. They tell me to rest and get well, but don't you see I don't have that kind of time. The world keeps spinning and spinning and I'm on the right track but it's been a couple years and I haven't moved over an inch and I'm going to get run over. 

It's been over six years will I really get better, or will I learn to compromise, find a way to live with an eating disorder. Surviving, but on the fast track to the end. They say if you're not recovering from your eating disorder you are dying, but so is everyone, I'm just in the fast lane. They say if you're not recovering from your eating disorder you are dying, but first you suffer. And maybe I have to learn to accept that I'm in the fast lane and that I'll never stop suffering. 

But I can learn to live while suffering, I can make my pain less severe. I can take my supplement drinks, carry around potassium and stay hydrated. I can slow this thing down. I can study on good days and still reach my goals. I'm sick, but I'm not done. I may only have a few more years before the illness takes over but I can learn and I can live for those next few years. 

It's not the ideal life, but who's life really is. It's not the way I'd like to live, but I've had to choose between my health and my goals, and when you live to achieve your goals, your goals always win.

So I'll get through. I'll lead a double life, dressing for success, and studying hard while purging in the secret bathrooms in the basement of the building, pretending I'm fine as I eat. I'll smile in the halls, and laugh at jokes, and save my tears for my pillow at night. I'll learn the skills I need to drag myself out of bed and get to class on hard days because how can I be perfect without perfect attendance? 

I have an image of what I want my life to be, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. 

I'm a high functioning bulimic and this is the year of faking perfection

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